How student leaders can support their peers using coaching techniques

As a student leader, how do you support your peers when they come to you with a problem? What do you say? What do you do?

These are questions that many Residential Leaders (RL) ask me when they step into their new role at College.

Residential Leaders (RL) are third or second year students who may take on any of the following roles: peer helper, community builder, cleaning manager, first aide responder, receptionist, cheerleader, mentor, policy enforcer, referral agent, mediator, role model, friend, liaison, tour guide, advisor, investigator, coach and surrogate sibling (Crandall, 2004).

RLs are the voices of both students and the college administration. They help to create a supportive and safe environment and are an invaluable resource for first year students transitioning from high school to university.

Being an RL puts you right in the middle of the lives of flat members. Love triangles, break ups, altercations, friend problems, homesickness, untidy habits, damages in the flat; an RL puts out fires on a daily basis.

So how do we equip our RLs with the tools to handle some of these ‘fires?’

As a Wellbeing Coach, here are some tips that I often share with our RLs to help them put their ‘coaching hat’ on when someone comes to them with a problem…

1.      Listen and Validate

2.      Slow down advice giving

3.      Ask questions

1.   Listen & Validate

Validation is about seeing someone’s emotional experience as real even if you don’t understand it and even if it doesn’t mirror your own experience.

Validation is important because we all need to feel that our feelings matter and that others truly hear what we are saying. Validation makes us feel accepted and establishes trust so we feel open to discussing solutions.

Validation looks like

·         Listening without interrupting

·         Asking clarifying questions to help you understand their situation

·         Normalising their feelings

·         Stopping what you are doing, being present, giving them eye contact.

Validation is not

·         Judging their emotions as right or wrong ‘you’re being too sensitive.’

·         Trying to fix the problem ‘I’ll go and talk to your friend that said that to you’

·         Making it about you ‘you think you had it bad, you should hear what happened to me…’

·         Telling them ‘shoulds’ ‘you should have started your assignment earlier’ ‘you should be grateful’ or other expectations

·         Helping them to reframe…

-          ‘Focus on the silver lining’

-          ‘It won’t feel like this forever’

-          ‘Put yourself in their shoes’

What can I try?

Examples of validating statements

·         ‘Tell me more’

·         ‘That must be hard for you’

·         ‘What I’m hearing you say is that…’

·         ‘That must have made you feel ….angry, depleted, frustrated’

·         ‘It’s completely normal to feel that way’

2.   Slow down advice giving

If a student comes to you with a problem and asks for advice can you give it to them?

Absolutely, but according to Stanier (2016) try to slow down the rush to offer your ideas because your goal is to hear their ideas first.

People will almost always show up with some initial thoughts and ideas to solve their challenges. Your job will be to simply agree with the idea they have and encourage them to do it and they will feel smart and empowered for how you make them feel.

What can I try?

1.      When they ask ‘how do I…’

2.      Instead of telling them exactly how to do it

3.      Tell them: ‘that’s a great question and I’ve got some ideas but I’d love to know your first thoughts on how to do that

If they come to you with a problem and they don’t ask for your advice can you still give it?

Absolutely. But, it’s helpful to ask permission to share your opinion because it shows respect for the other person. Once you validate their feelings you could say,

·         ‘This is clearly a difficult situation. I have a few thoughts, if you’d like to hear them?’

·         ‘This is tough, can I share what I think might be a helpful way forward?’

3.   Ask Questions

Often when people come to you with a problem they will start ‘unloading’ and not be able to articulate their problem very clearly.

What can I try?

According to Stanier (2016) asking a focus question like:

1.      ‘Whats the real challenge here for you’ helps your peer figure out the challenge that matters most and is specific to their situation.

For example,

2.      ‘How can I help?’

This gets the other person to propose a solution, so you don’t have to develop one. It helps them to make a clear, considered request so you don’t have to feel like you always have to jump in with a solution.

Do I have to do what they ask?

No. If you decide to reject the request, you can offer other options like

‘No, I can’t do that, but we can…’

You can also say…

‘I need more time to consider your request’

Final thoughts

Due to their many responsibilities, Residential Leaders can be susceptible to burn out and emotional exhaustion. Teaching our RLs some basic coaching principles can help to lighten their load. They can use these skills to help their peers become more self sufficient so they can focus on what truly matters for their community.

If you would like some more coaching strategies to avoid burn out, get in touch