The secret to making new friends at university

One of the biggest concerns that young people express to me when they transition from high school to university, is making new friends.

They want to ‘belong,’ to feel accepted, cared about and valued. They want to be a respected member of a group.

Why do friendships matter?

This makes sense, because our relationships like food, water and oxygen are necessary for us to function (Diener & Seligman, 2002). When we are deprived of them, we can’t thrive which explains why friendship impacts our physical and mental health.

One study found that out of 106 factors that effect depression, having someone to talk to is the strongest preventor.

When entering the world of university, student’s sense of belonging becomes disrupted because they move away from being surrounded by familiar friends and teachers at school every day to being thrust into an unknown environment with new people.

They essentially feel alone again and in cave man times, when we were alone, we felt threatened. Being on our own today, is not a life-or-death situation but it is normal that students worry about ‘fitting in’ because it’s hard wired into our brain. Being part of a group or tribe and being accepted by others was critical to survival in cave man times.

According to psychologists, Baumeister and Leary, belonging is not just a desire but a need. Belonging influences everything. If a student feels a sense of belonging, they are more likely to go to university, stay in university and succeed at university.

Expecting friendships instantly

But the problem is, many students expect a feeling of belonging to happen instantly.

After Orientation week last year, I had several first-year students visit me to talk about how anxious they were feeling because they hadn’t made any solid friends in the first week of university. They hadn’t had to develop new friends in a long time. They wanted instant gratification. They wanted friendships to happen NOW.

But we know that building relationships takes time. In one study, at the university of Kansas, they found that it takes roughly 50 hours of time together to move from being an acquaintance to a casual friend, 90 hours to make a friend and 200 hours to make close friend (Hall, 2018).

So what are some tips for making close friends?

1.Take Initiative

Making friends requires initiative. We have to put ourselves out there and make an effort. It’s a process of making contact over and over again. It’s meeting someone we ‘click’ with and instead of letting the moment pass, hoping you might bump into them again it’s seizing the moment and asking them for their number or Instagram handle.

You can either choose to be passive and hope that the universe will magically bestow a friend upon you or you can choose to be intentional by showing up, making the first move and following up.

Join a group that meets on a reoccurring basis, such as an improv class, writing class, book club, hiking group or volunteer.

2. Assume people like you

When we expect that we are going to be rejected and assume that someone won’t want to hang out with us, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. When we expect that we will be accepted we will more likely to be friendly and warm resulting in other people accepting us (Anthony Stinson et al., 2009). This research unveils one of the most important secrets to taking initiative in friendships; assume that people like you.

Tempted to ask your university friend if they want to be your ‘wing woman’ on the weekend, assume they’re interested. Want to invite someone you train with at the gym to have a coffee with you, assume they’re in. Taking initiative doesn’t seem so scary when we make this assumption.

3. Be vulnerable (with the right person)

Vulnerability involves sharing honest parts of ourselves (parts that we feel the most shame over). It is a key to developing and deepening relationships because people see us as more genuine and honest. It also reinforces connection because it communicates that we like and trust the person we’re interacting with.

But, not everyone is qualified to be empathetic, and sometimes we end up sharing our secrets with the wrong person, and it makes us feel worse. It’s difficult to know who to trust. According to Franco (2022) one way to tell if someone will be the right ‘fit’ for sharing your vulnerability is how well they have responded in the past. The downside of course is that at some point you have to risk ‘going first’ and sharing your vulnerability and if they dismiss you then it’s too late to protect yourself.

To overcome this, Franco (2022) suggests scaffolding your vulnerability. If you are not sure if a friend is going to be empathetic, just share a little bit so it won’t hurt as much if they don’t respond well. Don’t assume someone will change if they have a history of rejecting you in your moments of need. Find people who will support you and if you haven’t got a confidant yet, you can always turn to a counsellor.

Don’t take friends for granted

Once you have forged your friendships make sure you keep investing in them. After all, as I mentioned at the beginning, having friends is one of the strongest factors of our happiness. As life gets busy and new romantic relationships form and new careers are carved it’s easy to let your friendships fizzle. Don’t take your friends for granted. Don’t be passive, keep making an effort. Don’t be flakey when your friends need you. Don’t wait for a crisis to realise that your friends are invaluable. Make being a good friend part of who you are and keep them on the top of your priority list.