Why are relationships so hard?
What topic do you think university students want to discuss the most when they pop in for a chat with me?
Stress? Time Management? Homesickness? Grief? Health? Financial stress?
All of the above, but the one they want to discuss the most is relationships. Relationships with a partner, relationships with friends and relationships with family.
According to Positive Psychology expert and psychologist Martin Seligman relationships are the ‘gold star’ of wellbeing. He says that when you are feeling low, connecting with someone else will have the greatest impact on improving your wellbeing.
Positive relationships help our bodies to produce more oxytocin so that we are less likely to surrender to the negative effects of anxiety, stress and depression (Li et al., 2016).
So, if relationships are so good for us, then why are they so hard?
Why are relationships so hard?
One reason is that we are all ‘icebergs.’ Like the tip of an iceberg, only 10% of our behaviour is visible, and 90% is hidden deep beneath the surface. In order to fit in, we often only show what we feel will be accepted and keep our insecurities, fears, values, bad experiences and dreams hidden. As a result, we tend to judge others on the their 10% without fully understanding their 90%.
For example, you might smile and wave to a friend from a distance and they completely ignore you. You judge that they must be mad at you or don’t like you anymore, but the truth is that, they were up studying all night and have barely slept and struggle to see at a distance and were not wearing their glasses and were so stressed getting to their exam that they didn’t even notice you.
Another example is that you might notice your boyfriend has been distant. You ask him ‘what’s wrong?’ but he shrugs you off and says his OK and doesn’t want to talk about it. You judge that he might be losing interest in you, but the truth is that he is stressed with work and has been brought up not to complain.
You are doing a group assignment with a university friend who is not pulling his weight and contributing equally. You judge him for being lazy but the truth is he recently lost his mum and is struggling to concentrate.
Your house mate always locks the doors when you are at home. You judge her for being pedantic and overly safety conscious when the truth is that she grew up in PNG and her family had a terrible break in when she was younger.
Our iceburg beliefs can lead to conflict because we judge others without taking the time to understand what might be below their water line.
How can we make relationships easier?
One of the best ways to avoid conflict in relationships is to dial up our strength of curiosity.
Instead of making a judgement, ask the following questions…
1. What else might be going on for this person at the moment?
What are the facts? What do I know for sure?
Have I tried to understand their perspective by asking questions and listening?
When someone says something, you disagree with: “I’ve never thought of it that way before. Help me see what you see”
We all have a lot more going on than other people realise. Be patient, be empathetic, be curious and always take the time to consider what might be happening under the surface.
For more practical tips to improve your relationships get in touch.
