How parents can use validation and strengths to help their teen transition to university or work life

Wanting to Belong

When entering the world of university or work, young people’s sense of belonging becomes disrupted because they move away from being surrounded by familiar friends and teachers  to being thrust into an unknown environment with new people.

They essentially feel alone again and in cave man times, when we were alone, we felt threatened. Being on our own today, is not a life-or-death situation but it is normal that young people worry about ‘fitting in’ because it’s hard wired into our brain. Being part of a group or tribe and being accepted by others was critical to survival in cave man times.

According to psychologists, Baumeister and Leary, belonging is not just a desire but a need. Belonging influences everything. If a student feels a sense of belonging, they are more likely to go to university, stay in university and succeed at university.

You can’t hand deliver your children an instant friendship group; they are the ones who have to ‘drive that’ and invest the time into making new friends. But you can maintain their sense of belonging by sitting beside them when they are feeling uncomfortable and validate how they are feeling. 

Giving Teens a Sense of Belonging through Validation

Validation is one of the most important things a parent can do to foster healthy psychology development in their children (The power of validation by Karyn D. Hall, Ph.D., and Melissa H. Cook, LPC).

Validation is about seeing someone’s emotional experience as real even if you don’t understand it and even if it doesn’t mirror your own experience.

We all need to feel that our feelings matter and that others truly hear what we are saying. Validation makes us feel accepted.

Validation Looks Like:

·       Listening without interrupting

·       Asking clarifying questions to help you understand their situation

·       Normalising their feelings

·       Stopping what you are doing, being present, giving them eye contact.

Validation is Not:

·       Judging their emotions as right or wrong ‘you’re being too sensitive.’

·       Trying to fix the problem ‘I’ll call your uni lecturer and tell him you need an extension’ or offering unsolicited advice ‘I think the best thing to do is...’

·       Sharing your experience with them ‘you think you had it bad, you should hear what happened to me…’

·       Telling them ‘shoulds’ ‘you should have started your assignment earlier’ ‘you should be grateful’ or other expectations

Examples of Validating Statements…

‘Tell me more’

‘That must be hard for you’

‘What I’m hearing you say is that…’

‘It makes sense you feel… because one of your strengths is….’

Validating using Strengths

I tend to use the last statement a lot because I like to find opportunities to remind my clients of their strengths not only because they are their ‘super powers’ that help them through tough times but also because it gives them more understanding of why they might find the situation so difficult.  You can find out your top 5 strengths by doing this 15 minute survey https://www.viacharacter.org/

Examples of Validating using Strengths

Here are some examples of how I use strengths when validating feelings…

I recently had a student who expressed that she was feeling lonely and disconnected.

‘It makes sense you are feeling lonely because one of your top strengths is love which means you have a natural desire to give and receive love’

Another student who had a falling out with his best mate over a girl

‘It makes sense you are finding it hard to forgive your friend because ‘fairness’ is one of your top strengths and this situation is very unfair.’

Another student who was so stressed because he wasn’t getting the marks he needed to get into medicine. 

‘It makes sense that you don’t want to give up because one of your top strengths is ‘perseverance.’ 

Ultimately, our job is to do more listening than talking.

Validating their feelings has 3 positive outcomes:

1.      It makes them feel listened to, understood and not judged which in turn strengthens the bond between parent and child.

2.      It deescalates intense emotions.

3.      It models how to validate feelings so they can help others to belong.

(Kocabas & Üstündağ‐Budak, 2017).

If you would like more practical coaching tips to help your teen adapt to life beyond high school feel free to get in touch.